Tuesday, 11 September 2012


The Ugandan Lottery HQ where the draw was believed to have taken place
A couple from East Sussex were overjoyed last night as they won the Ugandan Lottery.

Mr and Mrs Arndale from Pevensey Bay in Eastbourne scooped the jackpot of £4004024820.80 Ugandan shillings, believed to be in the region of one million English pounds.

The delighted couple who have been married 31 years couldn't believe their luck when they opened an E-mail telling them they had won the jackpot. "I didn't know whether to believe it at first", said an overwhelmed Mr Arndale, "I shouted to Shelia and told her to come to the computer and we both checked it over and over to make sure we had actually won, when we were both satisfied we entered our details in to the form given, including bank account number and sort code, then sent it off to the Ugandan Lottery HQ, me and Shelia then partyed the night away in celebration, before informing everybody the next morning".

Astonishingly neither Mr or Mrs Arndale can remember even entering the Ugandan lottery and said maybe it was a blessing in disguise. "I can't remember doing it and nor can Shelia", joked Bill aged 65, but sometimes life's like that, we weren't thinking about it or expecting anything and then suddenly one day you check your junk mail and bang, your life's changed forever".

Mr and Mrs Arndale are believed to be the first couple to claim the Ugandan lottery jackpot, although according to a source there are many outstanding claims all across the UK, which may lead to a mass panic to check junk and deleted E-mails.

When asked what the couple are going to do with their new found fortune, Mr Arndale said "A soon as the money is in my bank account, which I have been informed is any day soon, I will be booking a holiday for me and the wife, might even visit Uganda to say thank you".

Unfortunately nobody from the Ugandan Lottery HQ were available for comment, as the contact number we had was not recognised.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012


People went nuts for Bond on ITV
ITV bosses will be rubbing their hands with glee as rating's over the last two weeks have almost certainly doubled. The doom and gloom of yet another British summer spent indoors due to rain has been astonishingly lifted by some truly wonderful television by ITV.

August 2012 and the rain was falling heavily and all around were sullen faces. This threatened to be another summer washout stuck indoors watching mainly rubbish TV. Not if ITV were to have anything to do with it. The programmes and scheduling over the last fortnight have being nothing short of amazing, they have lifted a nation and made them believe anything is possible again, with positive and inspiring television.

One particular day ITV treated their viewers to a feast of television gold, this day was Saturday August 4th, which is now known as Super Saturday by viewers. First at 3.10, was the Bond classic Moonraker, Britain's best loved secret agent James Bond, played by Roger Moore, goes in to space to fight baddies with the whole country cheering him on. Following on from this was Agathe Christie's Marple and by this point most of the nation were on the edge of their seats as they watched in anticipation of how Marple would solve the case. If anyone did have plans to go out or watch anything else, these were soon to be abolished as at 8pm ITV pulled out their masterstroke in Midsomer Murders. This was gripping from start to finish as Barnaby and Jones eventually finished first in their race for the killer, but boy was it close.

ITV have recieved many plaudits over the past few weeks for their programmes and Twitter has gone mad praising the channel for organising such a difficult schedule. Housewife Jessica Redfearn paid tribute to ITV for making the last two weeks special for her and the family. "I can't praise ITV enough, the coverage has been uplifting for all of us, that Saturday was amazing, all the family came over and we had a great night, Granny and Grandad loved it and so did the kids, there was something for everybody". When asked what effect it has had on people in general Jessica added. "You just have to walk down the street and people are a lot friendlier and as for my kids all they are talking about is Midsomer Murders and Miss Marple, they want to grow up to be detectives and I sure will be proud if they do so".

The ITV have received millions of Tweets in the last few weeks, all of which were positive. Here is a small selection from some famous celebrities.


Wow what a few weeks of television, thanks ITV without you my summer would be ruined.


What can I say, truly remarkable, I will never forget these last two weeks of telly, that episode of Jeremy Kyle last Tuesday morning was the highlight for me. Keep up the good work ITV.


Gutted I missed super Saturday as I was running the 10,000 meters, but made sure it was recorded. Just watched Midsomer Murders and was filled with emotion when they caught the killer. Gripping stuff.


Just cracking stuff from ITV, really flying the flag for this country with classics such as Midsomer Murders and Agathe Christie, makes me proud to be British.


With the success of Daybreak and then working alongside Gareth Southgate and Jamie Carragher for the Euro's, I'm in no doubt I made the right choice to switch to ITV.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012


The Olympics Games being held in London starts in just over a weeks time and the whole country has gone completely mad for it. In workplaces, pubs and prisons all across the country the talk has been non stop. Down the local parks, kids everywhere are now playing Badminton, Pole Vault and Handball and millions upon millions have been researching all the facts they can about the Games, so they can brag to their mates about what they know. Here are some facts for your own portfolio.

Hercules during the Olympics
The Olympic Games were first invented by the Greeks in 776 BC and were originally known as the Ancient Olympic Games, until Hercules and co-creator Zeus changed it to just The Olympic Games in 804 BC, as they felt it needed modernising.

Hercules, later had a film and television series made after him, but none of these ever featured a current Olympic event.

The marathon is a long distance race which lasts up to 5 days and was the only Olympic event that had a chocolate bar named after it. This delightful chocolate, caramel and nutty snack was traditionally awarded to the winner of the event every four years along with their gold medal, this however was stopped in 1992 after men's winner Hwang Young Cho had a severe nut allergy and was rushed to hospital. Cho survived the incident but the Marathon bar didn't and they subsequently went out of business.

Before the hurdles were introduced in 1896, athletes would have to just run a straight race without jumping over anything, so hurdlers such as cheeky Welsh chappy and ex silver medallist Colin Jackson would have had to run normally or go home.

Jamaican Usain Bolt currently holds the world record for the 100 metre sprint, recording a staggering time of 9.58 seconds, that is 0.04 seconds faster than a cheetah.

Phelps loves mash
American swimming champion Michael Phelps would let almost nothing stand in his way to acquire the fifteenth gold medal of his career this summer, but there is one thing that he wouldn't give up for a gold medal and that is mashed potato. Phelps just can't get enough of the whipped up potato and is said to have it with almost anything. So if it came down to it, Phelps would not be swapping his mash for gold.

London is the first city to host the Summer Olympic Games that begins with the letter L. Apart from Los Angeles in 1932 and 1984.

The Olympic Games are no stranger to a bit of cheating and a number of athletes have been found guilty of drug taking over the years. Performance enhancing drugs are not the only means of cheating though, at the Montreal games in 1976 Soviet Union's Alexandria Drotenkov was accused of missing out the cycling part of the Triathlon, going straight from the swimming to the running. Officials became suspicious when Drotenkov crossed the finish line still in her bathing costume and an hour and a half before the other competitors. Drotenkov was stripped of her gold medal and banned from the event.

Also at the Seoul Olympic Games, South Korea, 1988, table tennis competitor Wai Yu So Dum of China was found guilty of bringing his own table and using the extender on his opponents side. It wasn't until near the end of the first set his opponent, 18-0 down, noticed something was wrong and complained to the officials.

And in Beijing 2008 Britain's Tom Daly was accused of diving.

 In Athens 2004 British marathon runner Paula Radcliffe became the first athlete to take a dump during an event. Taking a piss however is a lot more common, especially in sports such as synchronised swimming, water polo and judo.

The pole vault isn't an event for Polish competitors, it is in fact a track and field event where a competitor uses a long, flexible pole to try and propel themselves over a bar, but Polish people can take part.

Overall there are 26 sports being featured at London 2012. Originally there were 29 sports, but the egg and spoon race, beer pong and dwarf chucking were dropped after it was voted down by the do gooders at the IOC.

How London 2012 opening ceremony may look
Ex javelin champion Tessa Sanderson was always accused of having a sting in her tail by her opponents, a bit like a Scorpio would, but amazingly Sanderson was born on the 14th March making her a soft and gentle Pisces. Which must mean all that astrology stuff is nonsense. 

The opening ceremony at the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing 2008 has been voted the best of all time. This performance featured spacemen, a flock of doves, fairies and thousands of fireworks and was performed by over 15,000 people. London 2012 is set to include NHS nurses and the countryside. Other possible themes are knife crime, traffic congestion, queuing, anti-social behaviour and rain. 

Thursday, 5 July 2012


Andy Murray is edging closer to a first Wimbledon final and some believe that this may finally be his year. Here are some opinions from the public via Post, Phone, E-mail, Twitter, Text message, Face to Face, Skype and Webcam as we ask the question CAN ANDY MURRAY WIN WIMBLEDON?


Anon, via twitter

Let's put this way if he wins it, then he's British, if he doesn't then he's just a bloody Scotsman.

Miles Culverhouse, Oxshott via post

I'm sorry but he hasn't got a hope in hell, I think he'll reach the final where he will get soundly beaten.

R.Federer, Wimbledon via Webcam

Murray is da best playa in eng no doubtz fuck federer murray 2 win

Ballboy, via text

OMG! shuuut up Ballboy u r a dik head murray shuld play womenz tennis coz he plays like a gay

Ace Ben Server, via text

It is strange because he has a lot more passion and fight than Tim Henman ever had and certainly has more chance of winning than him, but I still just get the urge to shout common Tim whenever I'm watching a game, that's something that will never leave me.

Judy Murray, via Skype

"Er yes, yes I think he can do it why not, common Murray! Anyway my names Graham and I wondered whether you'd be interested in getting any double glazing"?...............

Graham, via phone

"I don't know mate, I don't really like Tennis, sorry who are you and what's this about?"

Anon, face to face 

Sunday, 17 June 2012


Justin Lee Collins will play Pudsey
Rock Of Ages star Justin Lee Collins is to play Britain's Got Talent winner Pudsey the dog in a new film, it has been confirmed.

Shaggy haired Lee Collins has signed a deal with first time producer ex Big Brother contestant Bubble, to portray the much loved dancing dog, in a film set to be called 'Doggy Style'.

Pudsey, from Wellingborough shot to fame last month when he scooped the £500,000 prize for his dancing act alongside partner Ashleigh.

The film which will begin shooting in the Autumn, is to be all about Pudsey's life, how he struggled in his early years as an abandoned pup, when he first met the love of his life Ashleigh and their rise to fame as the fabulous dancing duo. Bubble's brother Squeak who is helping him produce the film explained the reasons behind casting Justin Lee Collins as Pudsey. 
"We thought Justin would be perfect for the role, he's got lots of hair like a dog, so that's a good start and it's a non speaking role, apart from the odd bark here and there, which is perfect for anyone who's ever heard Justin speak".

How Justin Lee Collins will look in the film
Bristol born Lee Collins has received many plaudits for his role as Dennis Dupree in the West End production Rock Of Ages and is said to be over the moon to have landed this unusual role as a dog for his first film. A close friend of the former TV host said "Justin's really looking forward to playing a dog, he's been researching Pudsey's life in detail and studying his every move, some people have said he's already getting into character, by licking his balls, pissing in the garden and not washing for weeks, but if you know Justin as well as I do, that's normal behaviour".

The public are now keen to know who will play Ashleigh alongside Lee Collins, but although no official announcement has been made yet, rumours are circulating that it could be former Eastenders actress Michelle Ryan, who played Zoe Slater in the BBC soap.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012


This weekend Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her Diamond Jubilee and people all across the country will be paying tribute to her 60 years as Monarch. However one person who will not be raising her glass to the Queen, is 86 year old former pub landlady Margaret
Birch claims to have been friends with the Queen
Birch. She claims Her Majesty and Margaret were best friends growing up and spent nearly everyday together during their school years. Until one day Liz, as she was known back then, began to change.

"Liz and I just clicked, she was so fun to have around, always making jokes and smiling, we just made each other laugh" said Birch, from Mayfair,Central London. "At school we would try and sit next to each other in every lesson, we would chat and giggle a lot, often getting into trouble with the teacher, even after school had finished we would go to each others houses for tea".


Despite there being a huge gap in class between the two, this never really bothered Birch as Elizabeth was so down to earth. "I remember the first time I went round hers for supper, I was a little intimidated at first due to the sheer size of the palace she lived in, but she made me so welcome before long I felt relaxed and made to feel at home, I even joined in with ordering the house slaves around, it was such fun". Birch who owned the Rose and Crown pub in Mayfair for 41 years lived in a tatty two bedroom flat in Berkeley Square with her mum and two brothers. She can recall being very nervous when Elizabeth first came round hers for tea. "I really didn't want her to come over. My flat was embarrassingly small compared to her massive palace, but she insisted on it and did not judge me and my family at all, she ate all of her beans on toast and even helped with the washing up".

"We used to sometimes skip school and go to the park"  


The pair were to become closer than ever as they neared the end of their school years and even discussed going in to business together in the future. According to Mother of 3 Birch,  Elizabeth was keen to join her in the pub trade."We used to sometimes skip school and go to the park" reveals Grandmother of 4 Birch. "Maybe smoke a few fags, swig a few bottles of cider, talk about boys, you know normal teenage girl stuff, one day we got talking about the future and I told Liz I always wanted to own a pub, imagine my shock when Liz turned round and said that she did too, so we talked about going in to the pub trade together and she said she would talk to her parents about borrowing some money to get us started".


As time wore on Elizabeth became more and more distant and Birch was to see less of her. "I started to notice a change in her". Said Great Grandmother of 5 Birch. "She wasn't the bubbly Liz I had come to know so well and the jokey side to her character wasn't evident anymore, she was a lot quieter and had developed an attitude where she looked down on people, she wasn't coming out as much and took a long time to return my calls". Nothing, though had prepared Margaret Birch for what was to come only a few months later.


In early 1952, Birch spoke to Elizabeth for what would be the last time as they said goodbye after a shopping trip together in town. Birch tried to contact her on numerous occasions afterwards but to no avail. Weeks went by and Birch was worried something might have happened to her. She decided to call in at the palace to see if she was ok. "I knocked on the door one day and asked for Liz and they just said she was out and that was that, I couldn't believe she was ignoring me".

"I hope one day she opens up about her past"

Two days after this Birch was to find out from family that Elizabeth was going to be the new Queen of England. "I was shocked" said Great Great Grandmother of 6 Birch. "I couldn't believe it, so I checked the newspaper and there she was, Liz in all the Queen gear, crown and everything, maybe she knew all along, but I don't know why she didn't just tell me. To just stop talking to me like that, it still hurts to this day, maybe she's embarrassed to have been best friends with me now she's the Queen but I know what she's really like".

Despite writing to the Queen twice Birch still awaits a reply. "I was polite in my letters to Liz and said she would still be welcome to join me at the Rose and Crown if she fancied a change, but I haven't heard back so sod her. I hope one day she opens up about her past, but I doubt it".

When asked about the Queen's relationship with Margaret Birch, a spokesman for her Majesty said "There was no such relationship".

The Queen by numbers

The Real Queen
58 Was the number of years the Queen had been on the throne in 2010.

17 Is the number of Pembroke Welsh Corgies in Great Britain, the Queen owns 16. The other belongs to Bobby Davro.

349 Is the number of occasions The Queen has said 'who the hell was that' after meeting a famous celebrity.

278 Is the number of times Prince Charles has requested the doctor to check on the Queen's health in the last year.

6 Was the age of the Queen when she made her first Christmas speech in 1932.

0 Is how many goals the Queen scored in this seasons Premier League.

Thursday, 10 May 2012


Comes before Wednesday
According to a recent survey more and more people believe that Tuesday is overtaking Wednesday as the middle of the week, with the public reported to be switching their Wednesday routine to a Tuesday.

The survey released yesterday by the DOTW (Days Of The Week) found that Tuesday was no longer being dismissed as just another day but was becoming more important than Wednesday. The survey figures resulted in 49 per cent of people now believing Tuesday to be midweek, 36 per cent said Wednesday and 15 per cent didn't know what day it was. The survey revealed that people are now doing things they would normally do on Wednesday, on a Tuesday. It's a remarkable turnaround as for many years Tuesday was regarded as one of the worst days of the week, it also uncovered that the public are socialising a lot more on Tuesday than Wednesday and that more people are planning for weekends on a Tuesday as opposed to a Wednesday".

Comes after Tuesday
Ruby a student from Sheffield took part in the survey and agrees that Tuesday is overhauling Wednesday as the most important midweek day. "Whenever it's Tuesday I always think it's Wednesday so I start to do everything I'd normally do on a Wednesday a day earlier on the Tuesday, unless of course I have a particular appointment booked on the Wednesday". 

Not everyone agrees with the survey though and critics from opposing survey's have even accused the DOTW of carrying out the survey on a Tuesday lunchtime and only approached happy people. An angry Alan Day from Midweek Surveys said "These people were having a good day so were more likely to say they preferred Tuesday to Wednesday or in other cases the people were either unemployed so did not have any particular routine, or worked only a four day week so Friday would be part of their weekend, they are just trying to grab the headlines again by cutting corners, I will be making a formal complaint to the Survey's Union at next Tuesday's meeting".  


Thursday, 19 April 2012


Controversial Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli hit the headlines earlier in the season when he revealed a T-shirt saying 'Why Always Me' after scoring against rivals United, but now it seems his mum is asking the same question.  

In an exclusive interview with sky sports news, Mrs Balotelli said she was sick of doing everything round the house and ordered her son to help her out more or find somewhere else to live. "Why is it always me who cooks dinner, why is it always me who does the washing, the ironing, etc etc, he treats this place like a hotel, it's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for himself". Mrs Balotelli also revealed that she hasn't seen a penny of the rent for last month even though the Italian earns around a 100k a week. "I've asked him numerous times for some money this month and still nothing, god knows what he's spending it on, I really hope it's not going on strippers again as I've already had a chat with him about that".

Former Inter Milan striker, Balotelli has hit the headlines on numerous occasions this season, most recently  for his behaviour in the defeat to Arsenal in which he could have been sent off three times. Luckily for Balotelli he was just sent off once because those are the rules of the game. His tackling was dangerous and his frustration reached boiling point. Mario's temper troubles are not just on the pitch, his mother also said his anger issues are a problem at home and has pleaded with him to go to anger management classes. "He needs to go and get help for this, said his desperate mother. "The other day when I told him we had run out of chocolate Nesquick, he kicked the coffee table so hard he ended up hurting himself, which resulted in him rolling around on the floor for ten minutes, it's just ridiculous".

Asked if she would throw Mario out on the street if his behaviour continued, Mrs Balotelli said "I'll always defend him, he's my son and he's a good guy, but if he does not change in the future, then he we'll lose everything. If he doesn't understand this after all these years I can do nothing. I hope for him he can improve around the house and just help me a bit more and understand that he can't continue to treat me like this".

Thursday, 5 April 2012


Here are some rather interesting and funny anecdotes involving Easter that I have received randomly by E-mail.

My name is Mr Hunt and I am a primary school teacher and last year as a little fun for the children I dressed up as an Easter Egg and hid in the school playground while the pupils tried to find me, we called the whole exercise an Easter Egg Hunt as a pun on my name. The kids didn't really get it but I thought it was bloody hilarious.

C. Hunt, Torquay

A few years ago I dated this girl called Karen, she was pretty, funny, intelligent, everything I could wish for in a girlfriend, but after a few months she became more and more obsessive, calling and texting me constantly throughout my day and getting insanely jealous if I even looked at a member of the opposite sex. Eventually I decided to break it off with her. Shortly afterwards I was invited to a 30th birthday party on Good Friday, it was to be fancy dress and Easter was the theme, my flatmate Ed was going as the Easter bunny and was ready waiting for me at the flat, I was running late after being stuck at work, when I got a text from Karen telling me she was at the flat with Ed . I immeadetley began to panic and rushed back, but it was too late, there was Ed boiling in the saucepan.   

Mark, Gateshead

I heard this story, I'm not sure if its entirely true but some of my friends swear by it, there was this man who lived in the area years ago and apparently he was nailed to a wooden cross or something by a load of nasty people for lying to them or something. Anyway it was a complete over-reaction and he was pronounced dead at the scene, well this was on the Friday. The family obviously were devastated and planning to have him buried when suddenly on the Sunday two days later, he came back to life. Amazing.

Cheryl, Bethlehem

I work in an office and all the staff decided this year we would all quit something for lent, some stopped smoking, others stopped drinking, I decided to stop shagging all the blokes in the office, which hasn't been easy I can tell you. Anyway there is this girl called Martha, who bless her is rather large and not to mention stinks of TCP, she said she was giving up Easter eggs for lent, what comes after lent? Easter! we just fell about the place.

Kirstie,  Liverpool

I once saw Take That's Gary Barlow eating a Cadbury's Creme Egg at Kew Gardens. He made a right mess of it as well.

Howard, Kew Gardens


Ever wondered what BBC TWO'S fountain of knowledge the Eggheads favourite chocolate Easter Egg is, well wait no longer.

 Kevin Ashman - "It's just got to be Cadbury's Twirl"

Chris Hughes - "It's Wispa all the way for me"

Pat Gibson - "I love em all but Cadbury's Mini Eggs take some beating"

Daphne Fowler - "It's all about the Kit Kat Chunky, I'm all over it"

CJ de Mooi - "No question about it, M&S' luxury Egg nest"


Barry Simmons - "Tough one, I'm going for Flake though, it's yummy in my tummy"

Judith Keppel - "What a ridiculous question, everyone knows it's Charbonnel et Walker Dark Chocolate Egg with champagne truffles"

Wednesday, 28 March 2012


Here we take a look at some of the hardened drinkers that grace our 'Great' British Government.

Mark Reckless - Conservative Politician

Reckless by name, reckless by nature, that's because when the member of parliament for Rochester and Strood get's a drink inside him anything can happen. Some nights he's up to until 11.30pm.

Fave Drink- Dry white wine.

Most Drunk In One Night-  A bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio.

Fave Nightspot- House of Commons bar.

Memorable Drunken Moment- Got wired in the commons bar and missed a budget vote.

Party Trick - Building a fort with beer mats.

Famous Drunken Quote- "I'm vely vely drunk".

Eric Joyce - Labour Politician

The feisty 51 year old Scot is not to be messed with, especially after a night on the sauce. If talk turns to politics, anyone from opposition parties are advised to steer clear. Big Eric is barred from nearly all of the top nightspots frequented by politicians.

Fave Drink - Stella and Whisky

Most Drunk In One Night - 10 pints of Stella, 4 large Famous Grouse whisky's, 3 suicide Tequila's and a Jaeger Bomb.

Fave Nightspot - Any place which will let him in.

Memorable Drunken Moment - Punched and head butted a conservative MP after he looked at him the wrong way.

Party Trick - Biting through a glass bottle.

Famous Drunken Quote - "See you Jimmy".

Paul Farrelly - Labour Politician

The Newcastle born MP loves to be the centre of attention on nights out and often get's the party started by ordering a round of shots and being the first up to sing on karaoke.

Fave Drink - Brown Ale and Vodka Jelly's.

Most Drunk In One Night - 6 bottles of Brown Ale and 14 Vodka Jelly's. 

Fave Nightspot - The Parliament Sports and Social Club.

Memorable Drunken Moment - Wrestled with a man outside the social club after he heckled his karaoke version of Ant and Dec's 'Lets Get Ready To Rumble'.

Party Trick - Can get 5 Vodka Jelly's in his mouth at one time.

Famous Drunken Quote - "I fucking love you Miliband".

Sheryll Murray - Conservative Politician

The Member of Parliament for South East Cornwall is a professional career driven woman, but get a drink inside her and she turns into a loud mouthed embarrassment.

Fave Drink -  Watermelon Bacardi Breezer.

Most Drunk In One Night - Bottle of Lambrini and 6 Bacardi Breezer.

Fave Nightspot - House of Commons Terrace Restaurant and Bar.

Memorable Drunken Moment - Was rude to the Commons doorkeeper when he tried to help her up off the floor.

Party Trick - Resting a pint between her breasts.

Famous Drunken Quote - "I ain't done nuffink".

Charles Kennedy - Liberal Democrat Politician

The former leader of the Liberal Democrats is always up for a drink, whether that be morning, noon or night. The problem for Kennedy is that work often get's in the way of his drinking.

Fave Drink - Anything with more than 10% abv.

Most Drunk in One Night - Due to obscene amounts of alcohol consumption the quantity is unknown.

Fave Nightspot - Hyde Park, second bench on the left.

Memorable Drunken Moment - Caught smoking on a train after playing pub golf. 

Party Trick - Making drinks disappear down his gullet in quick time.

Famous Drunken Quote - "What time is it? It's rehab time!".

Friday, 16 March 2012


Singer Sheeran
Popular singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran was furious last night after Suffolk County Council refused him planning permission to build a Lego house close to his home in Framlingham.

The 21 year old 'A Team' singer had all the pieces collected and was ready to start the building work on Monday, when the council stepped in and refused him permission, stating it would cause too much of a distraction for passing traffic.

What his lego house may have looked like 

Last night an angry Sheeran, who was drunk again, is determined to fight the council tooth and nail for his right to build a Lego house. Ed blasted "I don't see what the problem is, if things go wrong we can knock it down, there's only one thing on my mind and that's getting my Lego house built".

In a statement, Suffolk County Council leader William Wolsey explained the descision, he said "We need to think of the safety of the public, this is a busy road and traffic moves at quite a pace. A Lego house in view, may cause people to stop and observe, which could indeed lead to traffic congestion.... or a massive six car pile up, with cars flipping over on their back wheels and no one wants to see that. So unfortunately for Ed it won't be possible, shame because I like his music, not so keen on him though".

Ed Sheeran who wrote all his songs with a pen was hoping to live in his new Lego house after having problems with the heating in his current place. "Our house get's cold when you cut the heating" he explained.

Friday, 9 March 2012


Here is a look at five celebs who love a bit of gum action.

Britney Spears

Britney Spearmint
Teen sensation turned head-case Britney, has been churning out bubblegum pop songs for years, but would you believe she's completely crazy about bubblegum itself and gets through 3 packets a day. Her love for bubblegum goes all the way back to her school days when she would chew gum in lessons, tap a pen on the desk and dance in the corridors. Her 1999 hit 'You drive me crazy' wasn't about a man she was seeing at the time but about her adoration for bubblegum, stating in the lyrics that it kept her up all night thinking about it. Britney's love of bubblegum did attract a lot of unwanted media attention, in 2007 she famously shaved all her hair off in protest on the ban of chewing gum in Singapore, where thousands of Britney fans were being, she said "deprived of chewing gum". Unfortunately this was ignored by the Singapore government and the ban stood.

P. Diddy/Diddy/ Puff Daddy/ Puffy/ Puff/ Sean Combs/ Sean John Combs 

If you were to talk your way in to having a look around the bad boy rap star's seven million dollar mansion, you might expect to find a room full of guns, what you wouldn't expect to find is a room full of gums, because such is his love for all things chewy, the 42 year old 'I'll be missing you' singer has a whole room dedicated to chewing gum, this room has a high level security system and only a few of those close to Combs have ever been lucky enough to enter. Rumour has it that the Bad Boy records owner has every brand of chewing gum you could imagine, these are all set out in alphabetical order and each flavour is separate.

Sir Alex Ferguson

The fiery Scotsman loves a good chew during matches and can get through a whole pack of Wrigley's Extra strength in 90 minutes. The Manchester United boss is known to get red faced with anger during games so he must have gum to help calm him down, otherwise the safety of players and officials comes under threat. Just ask David Beckham. In 2003 before a match against Arsenal, Fergie only had only half a pack of gum left, so he called Beckham and asked him to pick some up on the way to the game. Becks then forgot and United went down 2-0. Fergie was furious and kicked a football boot at Beckham leaving him with a cut eye. Ferguson is famous for his hairdryer treatment, where he shouts in the face of an under performing player. Former United stars who were unfortunate enough to bare the brunt of Fergie have said it wasn't always that bad, as most of the time his breath was smelling minty fresh.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams

Bearded God botherer Williams once held down a sixty a day cigarette habit, famously chain smoking through his sermons. When the smoking ban took effect in 2007 he was no longer allowed to smoke in church, so Williams decided to quit the fags and took to chewing gum instead. The Welsh born Archbishop loved the gum so much that he often gives out free Hubba Bubba to his congregation and even once gave a speech on how chewing gum can ignite your faith in God.

Denise Nickerson

The 54 year old former actress was a hardened gumslinger and was said to be one of the best at chewing gum of her time, perfecting the art to a tee. This would see her land a dream role as obsessive gum chewer Violet Beauregarde in the 1971 film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since then acting parts for women who chewed gum were few and far between and for Nickerson work became difficult to find. She quit acting in 1978 and these days works as an accountant at an engineering plant. So now she's just an accountant who's good at chewing gum.

Monday, 27 February 2012


Police officers in the Rotherham area of South Yorkshire are asking communities to be vigilant against a suspected cup a soup thief who is believed to be stealing people's last packet soup.

Soups just like these are being stolen
This was first brought to the attention of the police last Wednesday, when a 68 year old woman from Brinsworth attempted to retrieve her last packet soup from the box and realised it had been taken.
Her husband, who also lives at the address denied taking the soup, this then led them to suspect theft and they rang the police immediately. When investigating the property police found no signs of a break-in, but they are treating it as burglary. The woman was visibly shaken by the ordeal and has pleaded with police to catch the monster responsible.

As yet there have been no other incidents reported, but information from a local supermarket could lead to a breakthrough. A man was seen to be behaving suspiciously in and around the vicinity of the packet soups, picking up various selections, looking at them intently before placing them back on the shelf, this lasted around about five minutes before the man fled to the frozen food section with his trolley. This is the man police wish to speak to in connection with the thefts.

In a statement yesterday Chief Souperintendent of the South Yorkshire Police a Mr Brian Tazer gave the description of the man, "So far we have gathered enough information to know that this person is male, around 5"8, in his late forties, stocky build with a carrot and coriander top. We also have suspicion to believe that this man may be stealing the soups, taking them back to his batchelor's pad and selling them on. This man is not said to be dangerous but we ask that you do not approach him and if you are to see anything suspicious to contact South Yorkshire Police right away. We thank you for your co-operation and ask that you to remain calm in what is a difficult time for everyone. If you do own a cup a soup collection please ensure you keep it safe at all times".

In the last year the rise in packet food crime has risen by one per-cent, this latest unlawful act being the third incident in the last 6 months. In Chester late last summer after a robbery at a co-op, the police arrested a  gang of youths, finding bags of cigarettes and alcohol worth up to a thousand pounds, among these bags were two packets of instant super noodles, and only as far back as January this year a shop keeper in Bermondsey found himself in hot water when he sold a packet of cous cous that was two days past it's sell by date.

Worried about your packet soup being stolen? Here are a few handy tips to help deter any burglars from snatching your tasty liquid treats. 

  • Don't leave your soup packets on full display for everyone to see, try putting them in a kitchen cupboard for safe keeping.
  • If you are going away on holiday for a substantial amount of time and are leaving any soup behind, politely ask a neighbour to look after them until you arrive home.
  • When you are talking about your lavish cup a soup collection to friends whether it be in person or on the phone, be careful as you don't know who might be listening in.
  • If anyone comes knocking at your door saying they are from Batchelors and they have come to check your soup collection, you must ask to see some ID. If your still not sure call the Batchelors hotline to see if this exercise exists.

Your soup concerns!

I am and avid fan of cup a soup and have been drinking and eating the stuff for over 50 years and I can't comprehend why anyone would want to steal someones soup, especially in the winter time when it is most needed. This scumbag needs locking up and if he was to break in to my home and try to steal my packet of minestrone, I'm sorry but I'd cut his balls off, puree them in a blender before force feeding them to him with a soup spoon.

Edna Gatsby, Lincoln 

Being from Rotherham and owning a packet soup collection myself, these certainly are worrying times, so I've decided not to take any chances, until they catch the thief I will be buying my soup in tins.

Paul Chowder, Rotherham

Although it is totally wrong to break into someones house and steal their soup, does anyone perhaps think this person maybe an addict after his next slurp. If so I have sympathy for the person doing this as I suffered with a packet soup addiction for over 20 years and believe me you will do anything for soup. I got so desperate that I once whored myself to a soup factory worker for just a few spoonfuls of asparagus.

Dawn French-Onion, Aldershot

I think not only is this person breaking the law but they're damn right lazy, I mean how hard is it to make your own soup, why do people feel the need to buy this packet stuff, homemade soup is much tastier, just ask my husband Len, he just loves my beetroot and tomato spectacular.

Anne Bishop, Crouton

My wife makes these horrible homemade soups that even a vagrant wouldn't touch, honestly they taste like what I can only describe as a pair of sweaty bollocks, blended into a puree. I would do anything for a cup a soup, but I wouldn't break into someones house, because I'm not a criminal.

Len Bishop, Crouton