Thursday, 29 December 2011


Here is a selection of E-mails with handy hints for the year 2012.

PRETEND your in the Olympics when riding to work, get yourself kitted out in all the cycling gear, then write a number on two separate bits of paper and sellotape to your front and back, maybe get a friend to hand you some water and offer encouragement during your journey.

Mrs K. Clough, London

GIVE yourself a better chance of survival by digging a bunker in your back garden in preparation for the end of the world. If that doesn't happen place an old TV and garden deckchair in the bunker and escape from the wife every now and again.

Mr N. Eaton, Nuneaton

SET yourself realistic new years resolutions such as 'smoke more or 'do less around the house' and your more likely to see them through.

Mrs C. Bright, Marlboro

GET yourself down to your local swimming pool during the Olympics and fool people into thinking your a professional swimmer. First get kitted out in all the gear, then pay a hoody to shoot a gun from outside just as you dive in. Then race unsuspecting members of public to the other end of the pool. If you win maybe get a friend to present you with a gold medal made out of chocolate money and a piece of string.
Mrs K. Clough, London

DON'T forget to book time off at work for Euro 2012! You will only need to book the first week.

Mr W.B Smith, Surrey

GET people more interested in you this year by telling them about all the inane stuff you do from day to day. You can do this by typing status messages on facebook, for instance if your a bit warm maybe you could write 'bit warm so have taken off my jumper'. Then wait for a response.

Billy N. Mates, Clethorpes

PAINTERS get into the Olympic spirit this year and make lunchtimes fun. Just pop on your white overalls and pretend you are fencers and fight each other with swords,  these can be made with two large sticks covered in tin foil. For the head gear attach a large sieve round your face and secure with a piece of string. Maybe get a friend to point score.

Mrs K. Clough, London 

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


Scientists have revealed today that long standing entertainment host Bruce Forsyth could be the first human being in history to live forever.

This remarkable discovery came from Thomas Steinbeck a leading scientist in America. Thomas and his team did a number of tests on the 83 year old and were astonished to find he has the heart of a clam, a sea creature known to live up to 400 years. This combined with a willingness to stay on TV and recycle old jokes could see the Strictly Come Dancing host live way in to the future. Steinbeck of Michigan University said "It's hard to say for definite if this will happen, but the British people should prepare for the fact that Brucie isn't going anywhere for a while". Asked how this project came about Steinbeck added "People close to Bruce wanted to know why he had so much enthusiasm and energy for his age, so they approached me to see if there was anything extraordinary about Bruce and low and behold there was".

This news has already been met with discontent among the public, Darren Southerby from Surrey was not best pleased and said "Of all the people for this to happen to, he's already doing my head in and I'm 15, I would probably watch Strictly if it wasn't for him and now to find out he's going to be around for the rest of my life is pretty gutting".

There are already plans for Brucie, as he's known, to host Strictly Come Dancing in space, which is predicted to air in approximately 15 years. The star has also been working on some more catch phrases for his long-term future these are set to include, 'Me again,'  'Didn't I do well' and  'Nice to still be here to still be here nice'.