TIPS FOR THE YEAR AHEAD

Here is a selection of E-mails with handy hints for the year 2012.

PRETEND your in the Olympics when riding to work, get yourself kitted out in all the cycling gear, then write a number on two separate bits of paper and sellotape to your front and back, maybe get a friend to hand you some water and offer encouragement during your journey.

Mrs K. Clough, London




GIVE yourself a better chance of survival by digging a bunker in your back garden in preparation for the end of the world. If that doesn't happen place an old TV and garden deckchair in the bunker and escape from the wife every now and again.


Mr N. Eaton, Nuneaton




SET yourself realistic new years resolutions such as 'smoke more or 'do less around the house' and your more likely to see them through.


Mrs C. Bright, Marlboro

GET yourself down to your local swimming pool during the Olympics and fool people into thinking your a professional swimmer. First get kitted out in all the gear, then pay a hoody to shoot a gun from outside just as you dive in. Then race unsuspecting members of public to the other end of the pool. If you win maybe get a friend to present you with a gold medal made out of chocolate money and a piece of string.

 

Mrs K. Clough, London

 

DON'T forget to book time off at work for Euro 2012! You will only need to book the first week.

Mr W.B Smith, Surrey

GET people more interested in you this year by telling them about all the inane stuff you do from day to day. You can do this by typing status messages on facebook, for instance if your a bit warm maybe you could write 'bit warm so have taken off my jumper'. Then wait for a response.

Billy N. Mates, Clethorpes

PAINTERS get into the Olympic spirit this year and make lunchtimes fun. Just pop on your white overalls and pretend you are fencers and fight each other with swords,  these can be made with two large sticks covered in tin foil. For the head gear attach a large sieve round your face and secure with a piece of string. Maybe get a friend to point score.

Mrs K. Clough, London 



BRUCIE MAY LIVE FOREVER FEAR SCIENTISTS

Scientists have revealed today that long standing entertainment host Bruce Forsyth could be the first human being in history to live forever.




Clam-tastic

This remarkable discovery came from Thomas Steinbeck a leading scientist in America. Thomas and his team did a number of tests on the 83 year old and were astonished to find he has the heart of a clam, a sea creature known to live up to 400 years. This combined with a willingness to stay on TV and recycle old jokes could see the Strictly Come Dancing host live way in to the future. Steinbeck of Michigan University said "It's hard to say for definite if this will happen, but the British people should prepare for the fact that Brucie isn't going anywhere for a while". Asked how this project came about Steinbeck added "People close to Bruce wanted to know why he had so much enthusiasm and energy for his age, so they approached me to see if there was anything extraordinary about Bruce and low and behold there was".

This news has already been met with discontent among the public, Darren Southerby from Surrey was not best pleased and said "Of all the people for this to happen to, he's already doing my head in and I'm 15, I would probably watch Strictly if it wasn't for him and now to find out he's going to be around for the rest of my life is pretty gutting".

There are already plans for Brucie, as he's known, to host Strictly Come Dancing in space, which is predicted to air in approximately 15 years. The star has also been working on some more catch phrases for his long-term future these are set to include, 'Me again,'  'Didn't I do well' and  'Nice to still be here to still be here nice'.

HOWARD WEBB LOOKS SET TO RETURN FOR UNITED

Key man for United

Referee Howard Webb is hoping to return to action for Manchester United's next home league game after not featuring for the Red Devils since the 8-2 mauling of Arsenal in late August.

This news will come as a huge boost to United after some truly bad officiating cost them all three points on Saturday, something which they have become accustomed to since Webb has not featured. Sir Alex Ferguson was delighted on hearing the news and said it will bring back the confidence to the team. "It's no coincidence that results have not gone as well without Howard, I suppose it's a bit like not having the crowd there, you lose your twelfth man, he knows what it's like to play at Old Trafford, he knows the crowd and he knows what I want as a manager".

Howard Webb was not present in the stands against Newcastle but witnessed the shocking penalty decision on television. In a interview with MUTV Webb was upset at the decision but feels Jones deserves another chance, "You could understand if he'd done that down the other end, but he's just panicked, it's unfortunate, he will learn and hopefully the fans can forgive him".

Bad refereeing decisions against United at Old Trafford are now up to an astounding four since the Premier League started back in 1992. Here is a look at the other three;

Polite

Vs Middlesbrough Jan 29th 2000

Andy D'Urso angered the Old Trafford crowd when he awarded Middlesbrough a controversial second half penalty with the game at 0-0, having not realised his mistake five United players, including the friendly Roy Keane, politely asked him to change his mind, unbelievably he refused and the penalty stood. Luckily for D'Urso Middlesborough missed the penalty and United went on to win the game 1-0.

Vs Manchester City 21st April 2001

Roy Keane and Alf-Inge Haaland weren't the best of pals coming into this feisty derby back in 2001, the Norwegian when playing for Leeds accused Keane of faining injury when he had actually torn a ligament. The often mild mannered Keane saw an opportunity for revenge and caught Haaland with a vicious studs up challenge. Referee Uriah Rennie sent the United midfielder off without hesitation, not taking into consideration that that Keane was just trying to settle an old score. 

Vs Chelsea 3rd April 2010

With Chelsea leading 2-1 to all but clinch the Premier league championship, the board went up for only five minutes stoppage time to the disbelief of everyone inside Old Trafford. In a game of this magnitude with United needing to win to have any chance of Premiership glory 5 minutes added time was not going to be enough to win it. Ferguson looked on in anger as United went down 2-1.

OLYMPIC PROGRAMMES ANNOUNCED FOR 2012

The BBC have launched a series of television programmes starting in the new year. These will all have an Olympic theme to mark the prestigious summer event coming to London next August. These programmes are set to include;

Holmes under the Hammer

Gameshow in which Dame Kelly Holmes has to answer questions about the Olympics, any she gets wrong will be met with a giant rubber hammer around the head.

Pot Kettle Black

Sitcom starring ex javelin thrower Roger Black, who tries to run a coffee shop in the heart of Amerstadam with hilarious consequences.

My Transexual Summer
Documentary focusing on Fatima Whitbread and Caster Semenya.


Top Gear
Guests on the show include Dwayne Chambers, Linford Christie and Ben Johnson.


Britain's next top M.I.L.F
Ex swimmer Sharon Davies goes on the hunt to find the next yummy mummy.


Daley Politics
Tom Daly and guests sit around a table and discuss the politics of his life with an in depth and sometimes irreverant look at the diving star's career so far.

Jackson five 

Ex hurdling champ Colin Jackson shows clips of his top five hurdling mishaps, some painful but some downright funny.

The Lunchbox

A daytime chatshow hosted by Linford Christie where female olympic stars, from gymnastics, volleyball and swimming, join him on the sofa and enjoy a treat from his lunchbox.

What the Greco-Romans did for us

A series of Olympic wrestlers talk about the influence the Romans had on their careers.

BASIC HOME CARE FOR MARRIED MEN ALSO SLIPPING

Neglected husband

Reports today suggest it's not just the elderly who lack basic care, an inquest also found that husbands across the country are being neglecting by their wives.

The Home Care Review highlighted cases such as; meals not being prepared, unironed clothing and lack of sexual intercourse. It said that on some occasions men were forced  to purchase takeaway food as they had no cooked meal when they arrived home. In another shocking incident a married man had no choice but to look after the children while his wife socialised with friends.

One recently married man from Ealing, West London bravely spoke out about his experience of neglect from his wife, stating that he felt lost after she refused to care for him. In an interview with BBC News he said, "One night I came home from the pub around 10.30pm, really hungry, I went straight in to the kitchen but my dinner was nowhere to be seen, so I ended up having to make a sandwich, after eating it I stumbled on up to bed. I remember waking my sleeping wife by kissing her neck and trying to start intercourse, but she told me I stunk of alcohol and sent me to the spare room, I couldn't believe what was happening".

The Home Care Review did say that there are still many husbands who are satisfied with the level of care from their significant other, but too many were not getting the right levels of support. ERHC commissioner Baroness Shelly Greengrass who led the report, said that changes must be put in place to stop this from happening. "We have to go back to how it used to be, too many women are working long hours and are not leaving enough time for their husbands". She added "Men find it difficult to function on their own and the kitchen can be a very daunting place for them, we are not sure exactly what the solution is but we are working hard in this area to combat the problem".

SLASH IN FORWARD SLASH AND BACKSLASH BACKLASH



Slosh



Guns 'N' Roses guitar legend Slash has demanded that the the punctuation marks in the English language often referred to as forward slash and backslash must be used by other names such as Slosh or Reverse Solidus, as he wants sole rights to the name. 

The Hampstead born rock star is said to be serious about the whole name change and has even got his lawyers on the case, but many believe he doesn't stand a chance. A top lawyer who can't be named for legal reasons reckons this is an ego trip too far and scoffed "I can't believe he's serious about going through with this, how far up your own arse do you have to be, these punctuation marks have been around since 1960, before Slash was born, plus it's not even his real name".


Erratic

People close to Slash, real name Saul Hudson have found his behaviour more and more erratic over the past few months, especially towards the end of his world tour which finished last July. Staff have become increasingly worried about the musician turned songwriters mental state. One insider who was on tour with Slash revealed to us the crazy and wild things he did, such as;

. DEMANDED an extra pillow from hotel staff as he wasn't getting comfortable night sleep.

. THREW tub of Horlics at PA after he realised it was empty.

. MADE small talk with strangers about the weather.

. HARASSED staff for Viagra tablets.

Doctor

Slash was later seen by his doctor and after some tests he declared in a statement that Slash was in fact fine. "He's fine, it's just a mixture of getting old and not being centre of attention anymore, he still wants to shock but unfortunately it's not quite how it used to be, in a couple of days he would have forgotten all about trying to get full rights to the name Slash and we can all move on".

BLATTER TO DO LIST FOUND

A piece of paper on Sepp Blatter's desk was found earlier today, this is what it read;

SEPP BLATTER

TO DO LIST

1. Find photographs of me with black people smiling and upload them to the website.

2. Organise a trip to Rwanda with film crew, show me talking to the children, getting upset etc.

3. Buy a let's kick racism out of football t-shirt and wear it for next interview.

4. Get tickets to see JLS live in concert.

5. Shake the hand of every black person I see from now on and all will be forgotten.

6. Get milk and bread

7. Introduce goal line technology to stop everyone talking about this racism thing.

8. Learn more about Football.

9. Quietly wonder to myself how I got this job in the first place.

HAVE YOUR SAY!

Here is a selection of e-mails on events of the past week

Having a problem scoring drugs? Talk to Frankie

B. Stevenson, Rotherham

I have to agree in light of the pregnancy scandal involving Justin Bieber the mere suggestion of such an act is ridiculous.
The notion that Justin Bieber in fact has a penis is laughable.

K. Pearson, Scunthorpe

I suppose someone had to be guilty of Michael Jackson's death, my money was always on Bubbles, something dodgy about that chimp.

 

 

L. Bridges, Cardiff

What will Berlusconi do now he's resigned as Prime Minister and the country riddled with debt.  just shag all day I would imagine, which is probably what he was doing anyway.

C. Millard, Reading

I don't understand what the puppy has got to do with England and the second world war but I guess I will allow them to use one in the game against Spain as not to cause any conflict.

S. Blatter, Switzerland



PIPPA MIDDLETON DUMPS BOYFRIEND FOR LOOKING AT PICTURES OF PIPPA MIDDLETON

Pippa Middleton has split from her long-term boyfriend Alex Loudon after she caught him looking at pictures of her on the Internet.


Pippa who was bridesmaid at sister Kate's royal wedding to Prince William earlier this year, has become somewhat of a sex symbol since then, with her bottom being a focal point. Thousands of red blooded males have browsed the Internet looking at pictures of the 28 year old over the last few months, but unbeknown to Pippa her boyfriend was also part of this lewd act.

LBW: Leave but why?

A close friend of Pippa who has been by her side since the split said "Our little Pip squeak is ever so down hearted, not once had she suspected that Alex was surfing the net for images of her, she opened up the Internet history one day and was horrified to find searches such as 'Pippa Middleton sexy pics' and 'Pippa Middleton's bum'. She feels tremendously let down by Alex and can no longer trust him, she thought he was the one and even whispered to me not so long ago that she may let him touch her famous backside soon, but now he's blown it".

When caught out, ex Cricketer Alex, 31 had no choice but to come clean and declared himself all out of excuses after Pippa found the pics, but a spokesman for the former England batsman claimed there was no ball tampering from Alex during his browsing sessions. "Alex was just curious to see what pictures of Pippa were being put online and insures me there was no sexual gratification on his part, unfortunately Pippa didn't see it that way and feels he crossed the boundary, still they had a good innings and I'm sure he'll move on".

Pippa, now back on the market is believed to have a thing for sporty men. Ryan Giggs is said to be interested.

THE FRANKIE COCOZZA GUIDE TO BEING A ROCK STAR 

 

GETTING STARTED AND BECOMING A ROCK STAR

To become a rock star you must firstly try getting an audition on a reality TV show such as X Factor where many a rock 'N' roll legend was born. If you succeed in this you must try to convince the judges that you are a little crazy and love to have fun with the opposite sex. It doesn't really matter if you can sing or not, if they like you then your well on your way to being a star. Getting a tattoo in an inappropriate place and showing everybody will certainly help you.

STYLE

Growing your hair so it covers your eyes is a must, then you can cooly flick it back with your hand if you wish to see something. Also, try finding some really old jeans that no longer fit you and squeeze yourself into them. Top this off with maybe a leather jacket and some guy liner.

MUSIC

Always let other people write and choose the music for you to sing, a rock star has not got time for that. Cover songs are definitely the way forward.  Don't worry if you can't sing that well, just talk the words into the mic until the chorus, by now it's you they want to see, the music is second.

PARTYING AND GIRLS

You have to love going out on the lash if your to be the next Mick Jagger. Try and go out nearly every night and make sure you're seen doing so. Take loads of shots and always make sure your snogging a girl. You will have your own following of women by this time and that will be what keeps you in the game. Another trick is to repeatedly tell people how much you love girls and going out, just in case they don't get how rock 'N' roll you are.

ATTITUDE

Basically just walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.  

Martin Johnson's Rugby World Cup Diary

Sunday 28th August 2011

Flying out tomorrow to New Zealand, can't wait everyone is so excited. The boys are really up for this one. Can't wait to see some amazing sights too. Some of the lads are talking about bungee jumping, but I told them I've done that loads of times before and getting a little too old for all that, truth is I'm bloody petrified. I'd much rather take a stroll round the Botanical Gardens or go and see the animals at Auckland Zoo. Sooooooo excited going to get some well needed beauty sleep ready for the morning.

Monday 5th September 2011

Preparation is going well, only 5 days until our first game against the Argies. I'm feeling confident, although I still feel New Zealand are going to be the team to beat. I've studied them religiously over the past week and I want us to be more like them, so I've asked that we play in black, New Zealand weren't keen on the idea so it's just going to be the one game. We've also been working on our own choreographed war dance but some of the lads lack co-ordination.

Sunday 11th September 2011


Good win against Argentina, a bit edgy but we won and that's all that matters. After a tough first game yesterday I said to the boys that they can go into to town for a few drinks to unwind, but not to let it get out of hand and they said 'Of course not boss'. They respect me, they're good lads.


Monday 12th September 2011


What a shit day, the media were at my door early this morning asking questions. The fucking idiots went out until the early hours of the morning, getting drunk, kissing dwarfs and chucking blondes, or something like that. We've had a chat and I've told them that this kind of thing can not happen and we must not draw unwanted media attention again on this trip.


Saturday 24th September 2011


3 out of 3 and a convincing win against the Romanians today, that should get the nation back onside after Dwarfgate. Johnny's kicking was spot on, back to his best. Chilling out in the room with my favourite book, Martin Johnson: The Autobiography.


Monday 26th September 2011


Just when things have calmed down with the press we've been accused of ball switching in the Romania game. Admittedly we did give Johnny his favourite balls to kick with but is it really that big a deal, anyway I've apologised and want to draw a line under it asap.


Thursday 29th September 2011


Big game on Saturday against the Jocks, if we win we're through to the Quarter Finals. The lads are in great spirits and seem to be having good banter with the hotel staff. One of the girls even let them use the walky talkies which was nice.


Saturday 1st October 2011


That was a close one but we beat the Scots and now face France in the Quarter finals. I'm proud of the boys and as a little treat I got each of their wive's and girlfriend's to record a video message for them. Unfortunately for Mike Tindall I couldn't get a response from his wife Zara Phillips, not sure why. I gave him a copy of my autobiography, that should cheer him up.


Monday 3rd October 2011


More bad press! This time one of the girls working at our hotel has made a complaint about 3 of the guys, saying they were making crude sexual comments towards her using a walky talkie. She has gone to the bloody papers and now I've had to do another press conference apologising. I'm not sure whether to believe it or not, I mean she wasn't much of a looker. Anyway, I've had a chat with the three lads and told them that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and to concentrate on the Rugby.


Saturday 8th October 2011

We are out of the tournament, beaten by the French. The lads and I are gutted we just couldn't do it on the day. Already the media are speculating on me being sacked as coach, but I deserve more of a chance to prove I can be the man to lead this team forward, plus what else will I do, the wife's already told me she doesn't want me hanging around the house all day. Looking forward to going home now, it's been a miserable month for us, just want to get on that ferry and have a nice quiet trip back without any incidents.

HAVE YOUR SAY!

Here is a selection of E-mails on events of the last week


"Well that's Bin Laden and Gaddafi down, just need to find Piers Morgan now".


Paul Beauchamp, Gloucestershire


"I can't believe they're even considering scrapping relegation from the Premier League, what a ridiculous idea. What will these idiots come up with next, let me guess no promotion to the Premier League".


Stuart Downs, Brighton


"I hear Westlife are planning a re-union tour in 2015. Can't wait".


Uptown Gal


"I am a Marksman in the Police and I was sent down to the disturbances at Dale Farm in the week. We were required to open fire three times and I won a Goldfish, a Teddy Bear and an inflatable Hammer. What a day"!

PC Happy, Luton

"I think every contestant on this year's X Factor deserves to be on that stage".

L.Walsh, Dublin

JUDGE BOASTS ABOUT COURTROOM SENTENCES ON FACEBOOK

The President of the Courts for England and Wales The Lord Chief Justice was today accused of bragging to friends about a four year sentence he dished out to two youths on Facebook.


The pair who can not be named for legal reasons were given a four year jail term on monday for inciting the London riots on Facebook, but in an ironic twist the very man who dished out those punishments could now be in the dock himself for using the same social networking site.http://www.facebook.com/index.php?lh=c33b0553b979646fc90ed6f8f2574310

The Lord Chief Justice who's Facebook name is said to read 'The Chief 'wrote a status around 9pm on Monday night which read "Nailed the bastards for 4 years, Get in". A few friends of The Chief commented on his status, one male friend replied with "I didn't think you would, you wiley old fox, this calls for a couple of stiff ones". In which the Chief responded by saying "I told you I don't piss about, gave the little shits what they deserve, are you coming over then?".  

Serious Allegations

If these allegations are true the Lord Chief Justice could face losing his job and his private life in tatters. A colleague of the Lord who has worked with him throughout his career said "This is obviously some kind of hoax, his Facebook name isn't 'The Chief' it's 'Bob Bennett' because that's his real name". Im not friends with him as he hasn't accepted my friend request yet but im positive it's him, although it's difficult to make out his profile pic". Investigations are still ongoing, The Lord Chief Justice has yet to comment.

ROONEY'S LETTER TO UEFA COULD BE THE REASON FOR 3 MATCH BAN

Wayne Rooney was yesterday given a 3 match ban by UEFA, meaning he'll miss the group stages of Euro 2012. The reason for this is not the incident itself but Rooney's bad letter to UEFA, which contained poor spelling and bad grammar. This letter was leaked to the papers and is believed to have looked something like this;

DEAR YOU EFA



IM REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY ABOUT KICKING THAT BLOKE FROM

MONTECARLO I JUST LOST MY TEMPA COZ HE WOZ BEIN HORRIBLE. SO IM

ASKING U NICELY IF I COULD HAVE A 1 MATCH BAN INSTAED OF 3? 

ANYWAY THE BOSS ALREADY GAVE ME A PUNISHMENT BY NOT GIVING  

ME ANY SPAGETTI THAT NIGHT BUT I DIDNT CARE COZ SECRETLEY

I DONT REALLY LIKE IT! LOL SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN U DO THIS 4 ME AND THE BOYS

COZ THEY R A BIT CRAP WITH OUT ME.

LOTS OF LOVE

WAYNE ROONEY

XX

MURRAY DEFEATS NADAL IN JAPANESE OPEN FINAL! BUT NO ONE SAW IT.

Andy Murray beat high flying Spaniard Rafael Nadal 3-6, 6-2, 6-0 to take the Japanese Open title. Unfortunately for the Scot, the people of Britain were unaware that it had happened.


The number four seed was delighted at beating Nadal for the first time in six meetings and was expecting a great reception upon returning home, but it wasn't to be.

A spokesman for the Tennis star said "When we returned to the airport and there were no family, friends or fans to greet Andy, he must have felt upset, although you couldn't tell as he always has the same expression on his face".

Fans of the sport were bermused when told of Murray's victory in Tokyo and had no idea it was even going on. A confused Colin Mcshane from Murray's hometown in Dunblane said "I didn't even realise there was a Japanese open, but Yay, Go Andy!".

Most devastating of all for Murray will be the fact that his own Mother, Judy, who has avidly supported him throughout his career was oblivious to what was going on, even suggesting it was a prank. She told the press "I think I would know if my son had won a tournament, especially against Nadal, I think he's having you lot on, 6-0 in the final set gave it away for me, my son's good but not that good, bless him".

http://www.atpworldtour.com/

TINIE TEMPAH HAS LARGE AMOUNT OF PATIENCE CLAIMS OLD PAL

An old friend of Rap and R&B sensation Tinie Tempah has today revealed that his stage name does not reflect his personality.

Anthony Joseph, 23 from Plumstead, South London knew Tinie, real name Patrick Chukwuemeka Okogwu during their school days and feels the stage name he's chosen is the opposite of what he's really like and suggested that perhaps he should have called himself 'Large Patience'.

He explained "I remember the time we missed this bus we used to run for. I can recall being very angry, but Patrick just took it on the chin and sat calmly until the next one came along. Another ocassion on hearing the news that Patrick had got a record deal, he said to me, "Let's have a toast, celebration, get a glass out" but I couldn't find any clean glasses. So I had to wash some up, but it wasn't a problem for Patrick, he just waited, such patience".

Tinie Tempah has also been criticised in the media recently for making false references within his lyrics by claiming that he has "never been to Scunthorpe", this came to light when residents of the northern town contacted newspapers to report sightings of the rap star, with some wild suggestions of him actually performing there.

HAVE YOUR SAY!

Here is a selection of E-mails on events of the past week

Rhianna had no place taking her clothes off on that farmers land, he had every right to say something. If your not a blood relative don't do it!

 Fergus Winterbottom, Norfolk

Hey, Greece! You can have your weather back when you've paid your bills

Sean Smith, London

   Bit of advice, if your ever in a spot of bother, just pretend you don't speak English

C. Tevez, Manchester

I thought REM had split years ago! and what's all this about them being American? Very confusing.

Simon Turner, Hants