EASTER AN-EGG-DOTES

Here are some rather interesting and funny anecdotes involving Easter that I have received randomly by E-mail.

My name is Mr Hunt and I am a primary school teacher and last year as a little fun for the children I dressed up as an Easter Egg and hid in the school playground while the pupils tried to find me, we called the whole exercise an Easter Egg Hunt as a pun on my name. The kids didn't really get it but I thought it was bloody hilarious.

C. Hunt, Torquay

A few years ago I dated this girl called Karen, she was pretty, funny, intelligent, everything I could wish for in a girlfriend, but after a few months she became more and more obsessive, calling and texting me constantly throughout my day and getting insanely jealous if I even looked at a member of the opposite sex. Eventually I decided to break it off with her. Shortly afterwards I was invited to a 30th birthday party on Good Friday, it was to be fancy dress and Easter was the theme, my flatmate Ed was going as the Easter bunny and was ready waiting for me at the flat, I was running late after being stuck at work, when I got a text from Karen telling me she was at the flat with Ed . I immeadetley began to panic and rushed back, but it was too late, there was Ed boiling in the saucepan.   

Mark, Gateshead

I heard this story, I'm not sure if its entirely true but some of my friends swear by it, there was this man who lived in the area years ago and apparently he was nailed to a wooden cross or something by a load of nasty people for lying to them or something. Anyway it was a complete over-reaction and he was pronounced dead at the scene, well this was on the Friday. The family obviously were devastated and planning to have him buried when suddenly on the Sunday two days later, he came back to life. Amazing.


Cheryl, Bethlehem



I work in an office and all the staff decided this year we would all quit something for lent, some stopped smoking, others stopped drinking, I decided to stop shagging all the blokes in the office, which hasn't been easy I can tell you. Anyway there is this girl called Martha, who bless her is rather large and not to mention stinks of TCP, she said she was giving up Easter eggs for lent, what comes after lent? Easter! we just fell about the place.


Kirstie,  Liverpool


I once saw Take That's Gary Barlow eating a Cadbury's Creme Egg at Kew Gardens. He made a right mess of it as well.

Howard, Kew Gardens

EASTER EGGHEADS

Ever wondered what BBC TWO'S fountain of knowledge the Eggheads favourite chocolate Easter Egg is, well wait no longer.

 Kevin Ashman - "It's just got to be Cadbury's Twirl"

Chris Hughes - "It's Wispa all the way for me"

Pat Gibson - "I love em all but Cadbury's Mini Eggs take some beating"

Daphne Fowler - "It's all about the Kit Kat Chunky, I'm all over it"

CJ de Mooi - "No question about it, M&S' luxury Egg nest"

     

Barry Simmons - "Tough one, I'm going for Flake though, it's yummy in my tummy"

    

Judith Keppel - "What a ridiculous question, everyone knows it's Charbonnel et Walker Dark Chocolate Egg with champagne truffles"

THE DRINKS CABINET

Here we take a look at some of the hardened drinkers that grace our 'Great' British Government.


Mark Reckless - Conservative Politician


Reckless by name, reckless by nature, that's because when the member of parliament for Rochester and Strood get's a drink inside him anything can happen. Some nights he's up to until 11.30pm.


Fave Drink- Dry white wine.


Most Drunk In One Night-  A bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio.


Fave Nightspot- House of Commons bar.


Memorable Drunken Moment- Got wired in the commons bar and missed a budget vote.


Party Trick - Building a fort with beer mats.


Famous Drunken Quote- "I'm vely vely drunk".




Eric Joyce - Labour Politician


The feisty 51 year old Scot is not to be messed with, especially after a night on the sauce. If talk turns to politics, anyone from opposition parties are advised to steer clear. Big Eric is barred from nearly all of the top nightspots frequented by politicians.


Fave Drink - Stella and Whisky


Most Drunk In One Night - 10 pints of Stella, 4 large Famous Grouse whisky's, 3 suicide Tequila's and a Jaeger Bomb.


Fave Nightspot - Any place which will let him in.


Memorable Drunken Moment - Punched and head butted a conservative MP after he looked at him the wrong way.


Party Trick - Biting through a glass bottle.


Famous Drunken Quote - "See you Jimmy".




Paul Farrelly - Labour Politician


The Newcastle born MP loves to be the centre of attention on nights out and often get's the party started by ordering a round of shots and being the first up to sing on karaoke.



Fave Drink - Brown Ale and Vodka Jelly's.


Most Drunk In One Night - 6 bottles of Brown Ale and 14 Vodka Jelly's. 


Fave Nightspot - The Parliament Sports and Social Club.


Memorable Drunken Moment - Wrestled with a man outside the social club after he heckled his karaoke version of Ant and Dec's 'Lets Get Ready To Rumble'.


Party Trick - Can get 5 Vodka Jelly's in his mouth at one time.


Famous Drunken Quote - "I fucking love you Miliband".




Sheryll Murray - Conservative Politician

The Member of Parliament for South East Cornwall is a professional career driven woman, but get a drink inside her and she turns into a loud mouthed embarrassment.


Fave Drink -  Watermelon Bacardi Breezer.


Most Drunk In One Night - Bottle of Lambrini and 6 Bacardi Breezer.


Fave Nightspot - House of Commons Terrace Restaurant and Bar.


Memorable Drunken Moment - Was rude to the Commons doorkeeper when he tried to help her up off the floor.


Party Trick - Resting a pint between her breasts.


Famous Drunken Quote - "I ain't done nuffink".


Charles Kennedy - Liberal Democrat Politician


The former leader of the Liberal Democrats is always up for a drink, whether that be morning, noon or night. The problem for Kennedy is that work often get's in the way of his drinking.



Fave Drink - Anything with more than 10% abv.


Most Drunk in One Night - Due to obscene amounts of alcohol consumption the quantity is unknown.


Fave Nightspot - Hyde Park, second bench on the left.


Memorable Drunken Moment - Caught smoking on a train after playing pub golf. 


Party Trick - Making drinks disappear down his gullet in quick time.


Famous Drunken Quote - "What time is it? It's rehab time!".

5 CELEBRITY CHEWING GUM LOVERS

Here is a look at five celebs who love a bit of gum action.


Britney Spears

Britney Spearmint

Teen sensation turned head-case Britney, has been churning out bubblegum pop songs for years, but would you believe she's completely crazy about bubblegum itself and gets through 3 packets a day. Her love for bubblegum goes all the way back to her school days when she would chew gum in lessons, tap a pen on the desk and dance in the corridors. Her 1999 hit 'You drive me crazy' wasn't about a man she was seeing at the time but about her adoration for bubblegum, stating in the lyrics that it kept her up all night thinking about it. Britney's love of bubblegum did attract a lot of unwanted media attention, in 2007 she famously shaved all her hair off in protest on the ban of chewing gum in Singapore, where thousands of Britney fans were being, she said "deprived of chewing gum". Unfortunately this was ignored by the Singapore government and the ban stood.


P. Diddy/Diddy/ Puff Daddy/ Puffy/ Puff/ Sean Combs/ Sean John Combs 


If you were to talk your way in to having a look around the bad boy rap star's seven million dollar mansion, you might expect to find a room full of guns, what you wouldn't expect to find is a room full of gums, because such is his love for all things chewy, the 42 year old 'I'll be missing you' singer has a whole room dedicated to chewing gum, this room has a high level security system and only a few of those close to Combs have ever been lucky enough to enter. Rumour has it that the Bad Boy records owner has every brand of chewing gum you could imagine, these are all set out in alphabetical order and each flavour is separate.


Sir Alex Ferguson


The fiery Scotsman loves a good chew during matches and can get through a whole pack of Wrigley's Extra strength in 90 minutes. The Manchester United boss is known to get red faced with anger during games so he must have gum to help calm him down, otherwise the safety of players and officials comes under threat. Just ask David Beckham. In 2003 before a match against Arsenal, Fergie only had only half a pack of gum left, so he called Beckham and asked him to pick some up on the way to the game. Becks then forgot and United went down 2-0. Fergie was furious and kicked a football boot at Beckham leaving him with a cut eye. Ferguson is famous for his hairdryer treatment, where he shouts in the face of an under performing player. Former United stars who were unfortunate enough to bare the brunt of Fergie have said it wasn't always that bad, as most of the time his breath was smelling minty fresh.


The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams

Gumbelievable

Bearded God botherer Williams once held down a sixty a day cigarette habit, famously chain smoking through his sermons. When the smoking ban took effect in 2007 he was no longer allowed to smoke in church, so Williams decided to quit the fags and took to chewing gum instead. The Welsh born Archbishop loved the gum so much that he often gives out free Hubba Bubba to his congregation and even once gave a speech on how chewing gum can ignite your faith in God.


Denise Nickerson

The 54 year old former actress was a hardened gumslinger and was said to be one of the best at chewing gum of her time, perfecting the art to a tee. This would see her land a dream role as obsessive gum chewer Violet Beauregarde in the 1971 film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since then acting parts for women who chewed gum were few and far between and for Nickerson work became difficult to find. She quit acting in 1978 and these days works as an accountant at an engineering plant. So now she's just an accountant who's good at chewing gum.

THE FRANKIE COCOZZA GUIDE TO BEING A ROCK STAR 

 

GETTING STARTED AND BECOMING A ROCK STAR

To become a rock star you must firstly try getting an audition on a reality TV show such as X Factor where many a rock 'N' roll legend was born. If you succeed in this you must try to convince the judges that you are a little crazy and love to have fun with the opposite sex. It doesn't really matter if you can sing or not, if they like you then your well on your way to being a star. Getting a tattoo in an inappropriate place and showing everybody will certainly help you.

STYLE

Growing your hair so it covers your eyes is a must, then you can cooly flick it back with your hand if you wish to see something. Also, try finding some really old jeans that no longer fit you and squeeze yourself into them. Top this off with maybe a leather jacket and some guy liner.

MUSIC

Always let other people write and choose the music for you to sing, a rock star has not got time for that. Cover songs are definitely the way forward.  Don't worry if you can't sing that well, just talk the words into the mic until the chorus, by now it's you they want to see, the music is second.

PARTYING AND GIRLS

You have to love going out on the lash if your to be the next Mick Jagger. Try and go out nearly every night and make sure you're seen doing so. Take loads of shots and always make sure your snogging a girl. You will have your own following of women by this time and that will be what keeps you in the game. Another trick is to repeatedly tell people how much you love girls and going out, just in case they don't get how rock 'N' roll you are.

ATTITUDE

Basically just walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.