Friday, 20 January 2012

DESPERATE COLE BEGS ON STREET


Fallen star Cheryl Cole cut a destitute figure on the streets of Bethnal Green yesterday, where she was seen begging passers by for cash as she lay with just a blanket and a can of Tennants Super.

Desperate Cole yesterday
It is hard to imagine that just over a year ago the former Girls Aloud beauty was the most sought after woman in the country. Yesterday, broke and homeless, she looked unrecognisable. The shiny chestnut locks she once waved around so elegantly in the L'oreal adverts had all gone, now it was just a tangled greasy mess, with roots showing and dirt visible. There was no sign of the glamorous dresses she once wore on the X Factor either, instead she appeared to be wearing an old coat that was two sizes too big, a pair of corduroy trousers and some sandals.


Begging

The public were unaware that it was Cheryl Cole asking them for any spare change and thought it was just your average everday tramp. But 22 year old Bethany Green who lives in the area did recognise Mrs Cole and tried to help the rock bottom star. She told us "I usually just walk straight past the homeless and ignore them, but when I heard a voice that said "Have you got any spare change please pet", I knew it was Cheryl. I'm a big fan of her's and felt I had to help, so I gave her all the money I had on me which was £4.98, I wished her well and went about my business. Unfortunately, when I returned an hour later she was passed out on a nearby bench having spent my money on booze, I was fuming, what's the point in trying to help her if she can't help herself".

Busking

Earlier in the day the 28 year old Geordie was reported to be singing to passers by at a busy shopping centre, laying down an old hat for money to be put in. James Wigwam a local shop assistant was not having any of it though and scoffed, "I was going to throw a pound in her hat, but when I got closer I realised she was hiding a ghettoblaster under her coat and miming the words, so I thought better of it. Maybe she never really had much talent, but it's sad to see her like this".

Support

The lack of support for Cheryl Cole from her family and so called showbiz friends has been evident. When asked about it a few said they had tried to help her but she had refused their offer. One close pal from the streets going by the name of 'Dirty Mark' blamed part of her downfall on Simon Cowell. He explained politely "I blame Cowell, the cunt."


Other fallen stars

Lee Sharpe

The ex Manchester United footballer had the world at his feet in the early nineties, becoming a hit on and off the field, but due to some bad injuries and late nights he found himself playing for Bradford, he briefly made the step up to Icelandic side Grindavik, before retiring from the game in 2003. Desperate for cash, Sharpe then made a few reality TV apperances, including Celebrity Love Island, where he kissed all the girls. Also on the programme was ex Hollyoaks tool Paul Danan and the pair were to become friends. They later decided to go into business together setting up a greasy spoon cafe in Littlehampton called 'Lee Sharpe and Paul Danan's Cafe'. This however turned out to be a disaster as neither could really cook and due to heavy partying the cafe rarely opened before 11am. With no money coming in the cafe quickly closed and the pair went their separate ways. Sharpe eventually moved back to his Mum and Dad's in Worcestershire where he holds down a part-time job in a factory assembling fruit machine reels.

Lenny Henry

Whatever happened to Lenny Henry? That is a question people are asking everyday, well we have the answer. Having shot to fame in the 1980's the comedian began an illustrious career spanning over two decades, until one day in early 2004 people began to question whether Henry was actually funny. After a full investigation and a series of medical tests the Dudley born star was found guilty of fooling the public into thinking he was funny and sentenced to only being allowed on TV for comic relief. Henry believed he was innoncent and battled hard to get back to where he was, but to no avail. His marriage to actress Dawn French also broke down and they eventually split. Little is known of Lenny these days but if rumour is to be believed he got a job working at a Premier Inn. Coventry, off the M6.

Orville

Orville the Duck and comedy partner Keith Harris had people laughing uncontrollably during the eighties and nineties and embarked on numerous successful tours across the country. Unfortunately this eventually put a strain on their relationship. One late night incident in June 1994 at Butlins' Skegness resort the pair came to blows after a heated exchange and the partnership dissolved. Orville attempted to continue on his own but without Keith Harris the act became lifeless. They have since put their differences aside and have made many cameo apperances on TV, but tensions remain visible between the two. Orville now lives a solitary life in a bedsit above Oddbins in Reading.


Thursday, 29 December 2011

TIPS FOR THE YEAR AHEAD

Here is a selection of E-mails with handy hints for the year 2012.




PRETEND your in the Olympics when riding to work, get yourself kitted out in all the cycling gear, then write a number on two separate bits of paper and sellotape to your front and back, maybe get a friend to hand you some water and offer encouragement during your journey.

Mrs K. Clough, London




GIVE yourself a better chance of survival by digging a bunker in your back garden in preparation for the end of the world. If that doesn't happen place an old TV and garden deckchair in the bunker and escape from the wife every now and again.


Mr N. Eaton, Nuneaton




SET yourself realistic new years resolutions such as 'smoke more or 'do less around the house' and your more likely to see them through.


Mrs C. Bright, Marlboro

GET yourself down to your local swimming pool during the Olympics and fool people into thinking your a professional swimmer. First get kitted out in all the gear, then pay a hoody to shoot a gun from outside just as you dive in. Then race unsuspecting members of public to the other end of the pool. If you win maybe get a friend to present you with a gold medal made out of chocolate money and a piece of string.
 
Mrs K. Clough, London
 

DON'T forget to book time off at work for Euro 2012! You will only need to book the first week.

Mr W.B Smith, Surrey


GET people more interested in you this year by telling them about all the inane stuff you do from day to day. You can do this by typing status messages on facebook, for instance if your a bit warm maybe you could write 'bit warm so have taken off my jumper'. Then wait for a response.

Billy N. Mates, Clethorpes


PAINTERS get into the Olympic spirit this year and make lunchtimes fun. Just pop on your white overalls and pretend you are fencers and fight each other with swords,  these can be made with two large sticks covered in tin foil. For the head gear attach a large sieve round your face and secure with a piece of string. Maybe get a friend to point score.

Mrs K. Clough, London 








Tuesday, 6 December 2011

BRUCIE MAY LIVE FOREVER FEAR SCIENTISTS

Scientists have revealed today that long standing entertainment host Bruce Forsyth could be the first human being in history to live forever.



Clam-tastic
This remarkable discovery came from Thomas Steinbeck a leading scientist in America. Thomas and his team did a number of tests on the 83 year old and were astonished to find he has the heart of a clam, a sea creature known to live up to 400 years. This combined with a willingness to stay on TV and recycle old jokes could see the Strictly Come Dancing host live way in to the future. Steinbeck of Michigan University said "It's hard to say for definite if this will happen, but the British people should prepare for the fact that Brucie isn't going anywhere for a while". Asked how this project came about Steinbeck added "People close to Bruce wanted to know why he had so much enthusiasm and energy for his age, so they approached me to see if there was anything extraordinary about Bruce and low and behold there was".

This news has already been met with discontent among the public, Darren Southerby from Surrey was not best pleased and said "Of all the people for this to happen to, he's already doing my head in and I'm 15, I would probably watch Strictly if it wasn't for him and now to find out he's going to be around for the rest of my life is pretty gutting".

There are already plans for Brucie, as he's known, to host Strictly Come Dancing in space, which is predicted to air in approximately 15 years. The star has also been working on some more catch phrases for his long-term future these are set to include, 'Me again,'  'Didn't I do well' and  'Nice to still be here to still be here nice'.